Based on a post I shared a week ago today on my Instagram page of a picture of me as a child during a Christmas season in New York, with my mom in the background of the picture, I feel compelled to take that conversation unto another level. For some years now, it seems like it has become a trend for men, specifically black men, to shame, trash, humiliate, and criticize black women by characterizing them as being “too tough, too strong, irascible, unemotional, too masculine, simply angry, and/or unloving and unlovable”, and I, as an Afro-Cuban black man feel the need to speak on this very sensitive subject. What makes it even crazier to me, as my wife and I were speaking on this, these conversations are actually happening on well known and popular podcasts, and on shows with massive followings, as well as in settings that reach large communities and crowds.

Where to begin? To the best of my recollection, I don’t ever remember trashing black women in the manner I see so many men do these days. But, what I can say is, when I was in my twenties and even into my thirties, I do recall being in and/or attempting to have romantic relationships with black women (whether they were black Cuban or African-American), where for some reason or another, it just never worked out, and they always seemed to be difficult relationships. And my own personal opinion of black women, regardless of culture, was starting to shape to believe that black women were difficult. But because luckily, I come from a strong Afro-Cuban spiritual foundation that has taught me enough to not ever go with any trend and to not adopt anyone’s opinion regardless of how popular such opinion might be, I checked myself quickly, and I took (and still do) the time to try to understand why is it that black women give off this unfounded belief of being too difficult to deal with. I also took the time to try to understand why few black men make the effort to investigate what’s at the sea-level of these beliefs (at least this is what it appears like to me). The following is what I’ve been able to gather over the years, and honestly speaking, if you are black and you would simply know your history, this shouldn’t be difficult to uncover and understand.

Some people conveniently forget it’s only been 215 years since the slave trade was abolished, BUT, the trauma black women, and men, endured kept going on well into the 1960’s, when racism and the continued mistreatment of black people took on yet another form, such as, systematic racism, institutional racism, structural racism, racial inequality in healthcare and so much more.

It’s so easy for men (black men) to condemn the black woman while totally ignoring and failing to understand the historical context behind why black women come across as, “so strong and tough”. Men seem to ignore and forget the traumatic history that black women energetically carry still to this day. Still in this day and age, the black communities around the world are still healing from 400 plus years of the most dehumanizing, terrorizing, and traumatic treatment any human being can ever receive. Some people conveniently forget it’s only been 215 years since the slave trade was abolished, BUT, the trauma black women, and men, endured kept going on well into the 1960’s, when racism and the continued mistreatment of black people took on yet another form, such as, systematic racism, institutional racism, structural racism, racial inequality in healthcare and so much more. And let’s not talk about the motives behind building what’s called, living communities or government-subsidized housing development communities referred to as, the projects, nor will we talk about the real motives behind the introduction of drugs into this country.

We as men also forget that the black woman has been abandoned by the black man. If not directly, then indirectly. What do I personally mean when I state “indirectly abandoned by the black man?” I’m referring to the possibility that maybe she grew up with dad in the house but in many cases, though dad was physically in the house, he was emotionally absent. He either was battling against some kind of debilitating addiction, or he was an abusive and traumatizing man himself, or he was a workaholic that spent the majority of his time working to keep basic needs met at home but, too tired to engage in any meaningful interaction with his daughter.

We as men, as black men, completely forget how we ourselves have had a very poor example of what a healthy protective man should really be and what a healthy, loving, and happy black woman looks like too. And most got their good examples from someone else’s dad or someone else’s mother, from afar, or from Cliff Huxtable in “The Cosby Show” (please do not turn this conversation into your personal opinion of Bill Cosby. No matter what the hell you say, it does not erase the FACT that “The Cosby Show” was for many, the closest they got to see about what a normal family should be like). But the truth of the matter is, way too many didn’t even have someone else’s father or mother to look up to nor even had time (or a good enough tv) to watch the Cosby Show either.

The same black man criticizing black woman for their strong and tough demeanor, is the same man/species that habitually contributes to the hurt black women feel by participating in the re-traumatizing experiences of black women.

All this to say: The same black man that repeatedly trashes the black woman, is the same man/species responsible for the brokenness of the black woman. The same man that believes black women are just difficult, is the same man/species that historically fails to provide safe space for the black woman to fully heal from her personal and inherited traumas. The same man that believes black women are just angry, is the same man/species that provokes the anger to begin with. The same black man criticizing black woman for their strong and tough demeanor, is the same man/species that habitually contributes to the hurt black women feel by participating in the re-traumatizing experiences of black women. How so? By abusing her verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, and breaking her spirit. By using her, betraying her, abandoning her, gaslighting her, abandoning her children, which oftentimes are his too. By professing love to her while supposedly falling in-love elsewhere. Oh wait, isn’t all of the above-mentioned what the black man was taught by the master during enslavement? He was taught to hate black women. He was taught to hate himself. He was taught that the only thing that was ever good and above him, was white. When children were repeatedly removed and taken away from their mothers and fathers, the black man (and black women too) was trained to become desensitized from such a painful separation, which is why historically, in part, it “seems” like it’s easy for the black man to leave the home. There are other implications here with the latter statement but that’s another topic for another time.

This is not to say black women don’t have real issues to work through, address, release and heal, but it sure isn’t a positive contribution nor helpful in any way when black men find it easy to repeatedly put black women down as if us black men are not part of the problem that needs to be addressed and worked through as well. Black men have failed to realize that while we put down black women and hate her by way of our words, expression, and actions, or lack of action, in some way we are also hating our own mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers, even if we never met them. You see, to repeatedly talk negatively about black women, is to ignore the struggles of the black woman. We want black women to be more submissive, loving, easy-going, and laid back, but how can this really be when for the most part, black women continuously find themselves being unsupported, abandoned, underpaid (regardless if she’s way better at what she does than her white male/female counterpart), always putting out the next fire, lacking access to real healthcare, struggling to even have a doctor that will believe her physical pain and complaints (even when such doctor is also black), and wearing many different hats all at once? When is there any real time to put your guard down and adequately love on yourself when you can’t even lay down your worries, stress, and concerns? How can the black woman meet all the expectations of the black man when her spirit has been broken, both historically (meaning, the history in her DNA. Her inherited trauma) and on a personal level? How can the black woman meet the standards of the black man when the reality is, the black man still to this date don’t know himself yet either? His true self! To reject this spiritual truth about the fact that, trauma still runs through the veins of black people, is to remain in a dissociative state of mind. In recent years is when the voice of science has decided to echo what various ATR’s (African Traditional Religious Practices), and spiritual healers have always known for a very long time when speaking about epigenetics.

Black man, you just met this young lady you claim to be interested in, and you want her to be on her very best behavior for you, but you have totally ignored she’s a single mother wearing many hats all at once, all while perhaps, you yourself have not addressed your own personal and inherited traumas. Why not start by assisting in alleviating the weight so that she can slowly but surely start to feel a little more free and this way, she can do a better job in being able to show up as fully as she possibly can? First and foremost, and hopefully, showing up for herself first! We as black men have the responsibility of addressing our own unspoken and hidden issues. Failure to do so, can only cause more harm not just to black women, but to ourselves, thus affecting how we are able to show up (or not) in the community.

Perhaps, you’re attempting to date a black woman or you’re married to a black woman who’s history dates all the way back to the Tignon Laws of the mid 1700’s when in the South, black women were forced to hide their natural beautiful hair by forcing them to wear head wraps.

Most importantly, in my opinion, the black man has to be open and willing to decolonize his own mind. And part of this process of undressing the mind from the traumatic, unfounded beliefs, unfavorably and negative characterization of the black woman, starts with educating ourselves so that we may get off the wagon of ignorance. Ignorance is a spirit. It’s a vibration that unless it’s challenged, it’s there to stay. We as black men want black women to always feel beautiful and sexy, but many of us have forgotten or we’ve failed to learn the historical events that contributes to her inability to feel beautiful. Perhaps, you’re attempting to date a black woman or you’re married to a black woman who’s history dates all the way back to the Tignon Laws of the mid 1700’s when in the South, black women were forced to hide their natural beautiful hair by forcing them to wear head wraps. Why? Because their beautiful hair was considered a threat by white women. And even though the wearing of head wraps did not originate in the South and has a beautiful history that starts in various parts of Africa, it went from something that was once a sign of opulence, representing status, identifying a woman’s cultural and familial practices, to a symbol of oppression and servitude. The point here is, you may not be fighting with your beautiful black woman about head wraps, and perhaps she may even care for herself in many ways that allows her to stand out and present her natural beauty, but maybe she’s been unable to wrap her head around why she continuously battles with low self-esteem, which ultimately does stand in the way of a happier union.

I would also like to add that instead of continuing with pervasive conversations that repeatedly portrays black women as bitter, unloveable, too aggressive, too tough, and ill-tempered, we must challenge these ideas by doing our best to understand why are we so divided and why does it seem so easy to be against our own people. Where did this debilitating training come from? The answer is obvious, in some manner. As black men, we must address the hidden issues we may have with our own mothers as well, which negatively impacts how we choose to treat black women. We must educate ourselves on the long-lasting effects of chattel slavery in the U.S. We must keep an open mind to the reality that hundreds of black women were subjected to invasive experiments in the 1800’s, in other words, the countless of so-called “necessary” medical treatments which were nothing less than violating, deplorable, and dehumanizing. What do we think happened/happens to the hundreds of hundreds of those women’s spirits? In this case, when using the word spirit, I reference their incarnate spirit, their soul, once it has abandoned the physical body. Those women were the ancestors of other women that came later. Perhaps an ancestor to a women you are currently married to or, even an ancestor to your own mother, grandmother, and aunties. These are energies (spirits) that for many reasons are not resting in peace and their spirits have not been elevated. The black community as a whole must still undergo much healing on a mental, emotional, physical, but also on a spiritual level.

Femininity, lovability, sexiness, beautifulness, and emotionality can live in different shapes and sizes, in different tones of voices, on lipstick-free lips, and in assertive, strong-willed, and vocal women.

It is saddening how in this day and age black women can not defend themselves without being referred to as bitter, difficult, and crazy. We have failed to understand the attribution theory coined by Fritz Heider and the difference between internal and external attribution. This venomous and pervasive cycle must come to an end. Black men must stop contributing to the problem with senseless and unfair conversations, and we must start to be part of the solution. Isn’t it hypocritical how we can put down black women and forget we have mothers, sisters, daughters and nieces?? What are we teaching them by participating in conversations that continues to keep black women broken and far from uplifted? Black men (men in general), do not have the right to continuously berate black women under the presumption that black women aren’t feminine enough. Instead we must ask ourselves, “what is feminine and who dictates that?” Main reason being that most of these wild notions and expectations of what femininity is, stems from a patriarchal pool of understanding, and definitely not from a balanced and an informed place of knowledge. It is my belief that the Kevin Samuels of the world are attempting to dictate what a women should be, but are not truly interested in what a women really is, and whom she chooses to be. Femininity, lovability, sexiness, beautifulness, emotionality, should not be reduced to high heels, red lipstick, perfume, soft-tone voices, long hair, and a skirt. Femininity, lovability, sexiness, beautifulness, and emotionality can live in different shapes and sizes, in different tones of voices, on lipstick-free lips, and in assertive, strong-willed, and vocal women. All of it can exist and can be. Had Harriet Tubman allowed her spirit to be molded to what men think and believe a women should be, there would have not been an underground railroad to freedom. Had Serena Williams adopted what patriarchy states is sexy and feminine, she would have not being able to become the best at her craft. Oftentimes, she was left with no choice but to be aggressive and vocal in order to defend herself against the weight of oppression, racism, sexism, and unfair treatment. Women have the right to exist outside of the box of the restrictive, discriminatory ideology, and the one-sided patriarchal mentality has created for her.

Divine Love,

Spiritual Doctor AFI